“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

  

Alright, I am back once more with a post in regards to my latest thoughts. If you know me, I think a lot about life and question my purpose. Don't get me wrong, I love life but I haven't yet found my meaning or my purpose it seems. It could possibly be right in front of my nose but I am too ignorant to notice. I am trying to create something that lasts and something I can hold on to.
      As of now, I have been thinking about everyone in my life. Whether you are here with me now or back home or around the globe, more than likely I think about you often. I am terrible at relaying that to you all. After college, I let life just sweep me away and in some ways I am scared I won't be given the benefit of the doubt. Basically, I feel guilty. There are so many people I care about and miss but they do not hear it enough. To solve this and feel like I am creating my purpose, I am going to strive to make it known that I care about you. You know who you are.



       While laying on the sofa yesterday, mindlessly watching "Jersey Shore" (forgive me), I reminded myself that no day is promised. "Am I living life to it's potential?" I asked myself. If something were to happen to me, people may say "She lived a happy life. She loved her cats and her crock pot" but who the heck wants that in their obituary? I NEED and HAVE to start LIVING LIFE! I need to run, take photos and dream a little. A little church wouldn't hurt either! I am content but I am not ecstatic and that is what I want.
        So, as I write this, I am deciding I need to make weekly goals. I want to challenge myself to explore  life a little more and true happiness. I hope you all will support me in this or do it for yourself.

xoxoxo

This above all, to thine own self be true. - William Shakespeare

I think I have reached that point in my life where I thought I was on the right track but I believe I am mistaken. Right now this realization is a little discouraging but I have managed to try and sort amongst the sea of worries and thoughts scattered in my mind. I even have Death Cab For Cutie playing along with me while I mindlessly try and convey something here. What is it I am trying to convey? I do not even know what that is at this point.

I am lost.

    I admit, I have come along way since I moved out on my own. I am happier than I was a few months ago. There are signs of improvement. I am once more coming out of my shell. 

     There are many things that cause me little bouts of anxiety and I am making an effort to roll right through them. Not many people know that I am not truly extroverted. Meeting new people has helped a bit. I have pushed myself to go out more than I usually do; that makes a difference. Cooking with a crock pot is one my latest hobbies. Fixing up the apartment has been a fun task and has allowed my creative side to come out. I got bangs! Who knew getting bangs could make you look different and sassy? Well, I am happy I took a risk and chopped some hair off. But now what?

    “The sweet girl. The vulnerable girl. The naive girl”. These phrases run through my head. Some individuals think this of me. As a 24-year-old woman, it is not the best thing to hear. What rings in my head is that I am portraying myself as an easy target. Does that mean I am an easy target? No. Will everyone target me? Of course not! Yet, I feel that maybe people really choose to think that is all I am and go with it. I have a story, a past but I choose to have a veil over walls that guard me. There are some individuals I can open up to but for the most part ( I am lucky to have you), I am not an open book. Instead, you see bow-wearing, sweetsie pie me. Not a terrible thing but I feel like a mime in the invisible box. I am stuck  and I did it to myself.

    What I feel most is that I care too much of what you all think of me out there. I shouldn’t. I know my intentions. I know my heart. I try. I fail. I am more likely to be closer with a guy than a girl. I hate rejection of any kind. I have a past but I have a future to decide. 

    What I would love, is knowing that everyone is given the benefit of the doubt or a chance. For me, I really strive to create friendships and to also be approachable. I desire meaningful relationships with those around me. I wish to know them and I wish for them to know me. I want them to know my truest intentions. 

    At this point, I have decided that I need to be bold in my decisions. I need to let things roll of my back more. A friend reminded me that there are individuals who demand weight in your world yet they do not and never will. I can decide that. I will say who has weight and meaning in my life. I need to speak up for myself. It is entirely like Pam from the Office when she comes to the same conclusion and demands what she wants. I want respect, loyalty, love and no drama. That is not too much to ask, right?

     I deserve it and I am out to get it. Are you ready?

"Many people worry about what other people will think of them.

But few realize the world forms its opinion of us largely from the

opinion we have of ourselves." 

- Les Giblin -

"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." 

- Eleanore Roosevelt -

Treading asphalt is when I think most clearly
I am reminded of all that been, is and was
It is like I am chasing after it all
But it does not make sense anymore

I used to tread asphalt and smile
Because I used I have a place to go
A heart to go home to, a place I belonged
Treading isn't all what it used to be

You consume my thoughts while I accelerate
The dash lighting illuminating the streams down my face
If only you and others knew what I tread home to...


An empty heart

I have never been all that versatile
With my words, that is
But you cause me to convey what I feel most
But conveying isn't all that easy

I struggle to find that balance
The one where I feel free and at ease
With you around me, my heart tenses
There is no freedom that I seek
How can there be with you around?

Stares and glares are avoided
But I see yours prying away when they can
I steal a glace every now and then
If our eyes lock, it only reminds us all of the words said
And that cannot be spoken again

And you cause me to convey what I feel most
And conveying isn't all that easy
I have never been all that versatile
But babe, I gave it a try

So, this was written 2 weeks ago and I am just now posting it...

I have come to the realization that I have taken the time to be thankful for everything that has been given to me. This week, I can honestly say I have seen how God is working in my life and how He provides for me.

This week has been a bit frustrating due to my car breaking down again and having something brought to my attention which was hard to hear. All in all, I feel like a failure half of the time time and that debt is creeping around the corner like luring  stalker. It is a scary thing to be here on my own, trying to find myself a new life, a new start.

Lately, I have been trying to put all the "bumps" aside and see all the great things I have going for me. And here is what I have compiled:

1) Parents are offering to assist with the car situation not they have to
2) I have a big sister who looks out for me and gives me advice
3) I have a great job with a source of income needed for my independence. Plus my team is so supportive!
4) Pets are great. My two cats are so sweet and make smile daily.
5) I have my own place and privacy. Some peace has been granted.
6) Friends are priceless. I have friends who come on a moments notice and look out for me. I have friends who love and appreciate me even though I am flawed. They talk to me when I am down, send me "get well" gifts, help me move and have thought of me and my apartment. They ask me how I am. Through them, God has provided me with so much.
7) When those around me do not know my situation but help me out. Panera Bread was closing the other night and instead of throwing away the left over food, they gave me extra; more than what I paid for. I felt so fortunate because it turned into two meals.

Through all this frustration, I have decided to start my organizing business or plan. We'll see where it takes me here in Nashville. With that being said, there are just a few things I am thankful for.


Seek your blessings.

xoxox0

...Bystander...

    

Why is it when there is a time to stand up or step in, most people do not? A show I have watched in the past always made me wonder what I would do in an uncomfortable situation? Would I speak up or just stand there?

    Well, tonight, I  was among the crowd that did not step in when I should have. I cannot exactly tell you why I did not but I am still kicking myself for not. Here is how it went down.

     I was standing in front of the cash wrap at one the hipster coffee shops in Nashville, deciding what all I should get to eat for dinner. Everything seemed ordinary. I was amongst strangers who sat quietly, staring at computer screens and conversing. Directly behind me sat on older gentleman with a girl who seemed around the age of four or five. Of course, all children pitch a fit at some point or another. Typically, if a child acts up enough in a public place, they are removed and taken aside to be spoken with or disciplined. Well, not in this case. She proceeds to whine, then cry, then yell, and then scream bloody murder. He sits there while trying to put her coat on and she continues to  scream. I figured he may just become so embarrassed that he would leave with her in hand. No. Instead, he freaks out and starts screaming at her and called her “stupid”. I shuttered and had to take a minute before signing my debit card receipt. Everyone somewhat froze in their chairs. One guy stood up with his jaw dropped. We call wanted to do something. I came so close to speaking to him and telling him to stop. I did not have it in me. 

       I wonder why I could not. This little girl obviously is a victim in her up bringing and then is being verbally abused in public. A small child being told she is “stupid” by her father figure. Wow. And no one said a word. It was not a concern of whether it was my business but a matter of what will this guy do if I step in and say something? I let “what ifs” take the place of action and I know can see I may be one of those bystanders.

       To be honest, I do not want to be like that. There could be a time when someone may really need help and I do not want to be scared. It should not come down to that. I do not want to be just another person who looks and walks away.

       So, how does one prepare themselves for such situations? I admire anyone who can step up to the plate at a moments notice.

The Cave - Mumford and Sons

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmania.com/the_cave_lyrics_mumford_and_sons.html
All about Mumford And+Sons: http://www.musictory.com/music/Mumford+And+Sons