“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

  

Alright, I am back once more with a post in regards to my latest thoughts. If you know me, I think a lot about life and question my purpose. Don't get me wrong, I love life but I haven't yet found my meaning or my purpose it seems. It could possibly be right in front of my nose but I am too ignorant to notice. I am trying to create something that lasts and something I can hold on to.
      As of now, I have been thinking about everyone in my life. Whether you are here with me now or back home or around the globe, more than likely I think about you often. I am terrible at relaying that to you all. After college, I let life just sweep me away and in some ways I am scared I won't be given the benefit of the doubt. Basically, I feel guilty. There are so many people I care about and miss but they do not hear it enough. To solve this and feel like I am creating my purpose, I am going to strive to make it known that I care about you. You know who you are.



       While laying on the sofa yesterday, mindlessly watching "Jersey Shore" (forgive me), I reminded myself that no day is promised. "Am I living life to it's potential?" I asked myself. If something were to happen to me, people may say "She lived a happy life. She loved her cats and her crock pot" but who the heck wants that in their obituary? I NEED and HAVE to start LIVING LIFE! I need to run, take photos and dream a little. A little church wouldn't hurt either! I am content but I am not ecstatic and that is what I want.
        So, as I write this, I am deciding I need to make weekly goals. I want to challenge myself to explore  life a little more and true happiness. I hope you all will support me in this or do it for yourself.

xoxoxo

This above all, to thine own self be true. - William Shakespeare

I think I have reached that point in my life where I thought I was on the right track but I believe I am mistaken. Right now this realization is a little discouraging but I have managed to try and sort amongst the sea of worries and thoughts scattered in my mind. I even have Death Cab For Cutie playing along with me while I mindlessly try and convey something here. What is it I am trying to convey? I do not even know what that is at this point.

I am lost.

    I admit, I have come along way since I moved out on my own. I am happier than I was a few months ago. There are signs of improvement. I am once more coming out of my shell. 

     There are many things that cause me little bouts of anxiety and I am making an effort to roll right through them. Not many people know that I am not truly extroverted. Meeting new people has helped a bit. I have pushed myself to go out more than I usually do; that makes a difference. Cooking with a crock pot is one my latest hobbies. Fixing up the apartment has been a fun task and has allowed my creative side to come out. I got bangs! Who knew getting bangs could make you look different and sassy? Well, I am happy I took a risk and chopped some hair off. But now what?

    “The sweet girl. The vulnerable girl. The naive girl”. These phrases run through my head. Some individuals think this of me. As a 24-year-old woman, it is not the best thing to hear. What rings in my head is that I am portraying myself as an easy target. Does that mean I am an easy target? No. Will everyone target me? Of course not! Yet, I feel that maybe people really choose to think that is all I am and go with it. I have a story, a past but I choose to have a veil over walls that guard me. There are some individuals I can open up to but for the most part ( I am lucky to have you), I am not an open book. Instead, you see bow-wearing, sweetsie pie me. Not a terrible thing but I feel like a mime in the invisible box. I am stuck  and I did it to myself.

    What I feel most is that I care too much of what you all think of me out there. I shouldn’t. I know my intentions. I know my heart. I try. I fail. I am more likely to be closer with a guy than a girl. I hate rejection of any kind. I have a past but I have a future to decide. 

    What I would love, is knowing that everyone is given the benefit of the doubt or a chance. For me, I really strive to create friendships and to also be approachable. I desire meaningful relationships with those around me. I wish to know them and I wish for them to know me. I want them to know my truest intentions. 

    At this point, I have decided that I need to be bold in my decisions. I need to let things roll of my back more. A friend reminded me that there are individuals who demand weight in your world yet they do not and never will. I can decide that. I will say who has weight and meaning in my life. I need to speak up for myself. It is entirely like Pam from the Office when she comes to the same conclusion and demands what she wants. I want respect, loyalty, love and no drama. That is not too much to ask, right?

     I deserve it and I am out to get it. Are you ready?

"Many people worry about what other people will think of them.

But few realize the world forms its opinion of us largely from the

opinion we have of ourselves." 

- Les Giblin -

"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." 

- Eleanore Roosevelt -